OK, Bassholes,
here it is . . .
the long awaited 2006 LPLT Epilogue. I'm really not sure what
an Epilogue is but it seems only fitting and proper, after as
long as you have waited. So, sit back, relax, have a beer or
three and take a stroll down memory lane. Enjoy!!
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Banjo, Flagman, and Buck get an
early start on this year's trip with a Saturday departure.
The trip got off to an eventful start as Buck lost his
driver's license and NW card on the shuttle bus. Chaos ensued
at the ticket counter and Banjo and Flagman momentarily
panicked at the thought of not being able to get into the
WorldClub for free drinks without Buck. Believe it or not a
call to the parking facility verified that some kind soul had
found it and given it to the driver and she made a special
trip back to the airport to bring the missing documents. A
$10 tip and much embarrassment later and the Fearless
threesome made their way to the WorldClub for the first of 19
cocktails and 2 beers for Buck that day, to say nothing of the
122 packets of cheese that Buck and Flagman "acquired" at 3
different clubs that day, with intermediate stops in
Minneapolis and Denver. We managed to get "excused" from the
Continental Club in Denver and, thus had to actually
purchase the 2 beers in the Mexican Cantina at the Denver
Airport. On the flight to Denver the pilot graciously popped
for free drinks. The sole Flight Attendant was obviously
swamped with free drink requests and Buck was pressed into
duty, serving drinks and free snacks to everyone (except the
two obviously drunk and disorderly GLC members - Proof
#1,
#2,
#3,
#4). After finally
arriving in Durango everything was in order except Deadeye
arrived late. Must have taken extra time for the false teeth
and mullet wig he was sporting. We would have ditched him
except he had "Buckwheat" fixins in the vehicle for the long
ride to the Diamond Belle for just what we needed . . . more
cocktails. We finally arrived at Rancho Sunni Jane sometime
just before first light on Sunday.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
After a very slow start to
Recovery Day and a walk (say what) with the Morehart clan and
watching their cat playing a one-sided game of cat and mouse,
the 4 Amigos departed for Farmington to the Sam's Club for
bulk provisions and mucho cervecas . . . ah, just what we
needed!! Buck cooked a scrumptious dinner and we were joined
by Jamie and Eric back from their trip to some third world
country in South America. Following dinner we relaxed under
the stars for a relaxing fire in the chimena . . . that is
until Buck decided to build a real fire and took a hip check
and a shower from the garden hose from Miss Sunni Jane.
Finally to bed only to listen to Flagman snore as if he were
calling the Ancient Ones back to life. Would turn out to be
only a prelude to what was to come.
Monday, April 24, 2006
An early start as Deadeye had some
b/s meeting so Buck, Banjo and Flagman did the obligatory
Bakery run. Good to see Jeffi and get loaded up on some
outstanding carbs. Off to WalMart for a bunch of shit we
didn't need but seemed like a good idea at the time (kind of
the underlying story of the experience, isn't it?). Luther
and Knocker (great to have you back after a 3 year absence,
too bad you're to f'ing cheap to bring the Deuce
along) arrived and we all went for another outstanding lunch
at Gaspacho's (best Carne Adovada on the planet) and a chance
to get caught up with David "the Counselor" Smith. Back to
the dealership and Luther helped Deadeye pay for his trip with
a new Chevy Truck purchase. Thanks for the business, Luther,
us retirees appreciate the help paying for the pension.
Flagman and Freebie demonstrated some serious Beer Snobery at
the Beer Store by buying all the old crap that nobody else in
Southwest Colorado would take off their shelves. We picked
up a beautiful bass boat that Brother Goddard (yes, the one
who took the drunken flying leap off the front of the
houseboat back in the 80's . . . boy ain't been right sense,
otherwise he'd a never let Stinky talk him into letting us
morons borrow his boat) graciously let us borrow and Jake
finally arrived at the dealership and immediately began
complaining about some missing boat part . . . think it was
either a thinly disguised excuse for not catching any fish or
a reason to dance with the Plastic Poisoning demons once
again). After a trip to the grocery store (God they love us
in the Shitty Market) and two more trips to the bakery later
and we are officially over the GVW. Finally to bed (sure hope
Wallstreet sets his alarm clock this year) and more
opportunity to listen to Flagman call to the dead.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Wallstreet actually shows up on
time, but naturally forgot the Cinnamon rolls. Nice going
Wallski, maybe we will take Bogey instead next year. Finally
depart at 6:08am, missing Jake who is MIA with the same lame
excuse about some missing boat part. First beer at Roundup
Junction, the normal spot where Buck always get's parched.
Ten minutes later Buck has to pee, BAD. Can't see the horse
head due to lack of snow but Flagman claims to see it's
antlers . . . have another beer, Belly boy!! We finally
arrive in Dove Creek and park . . . where else . . . in a
Church parking lot. Buck sprinkles Holy Water on the sacred
grounds. Ah, sweet relief. Unfortunately, Connie's Blue
Mountain Cafe is closed. Seems they just can't make it on our
repeat business alone. We have a delightful breakfast instead
at the Lunch Box and observe that their choice in Waitresses
is far superior to the collection of old blisters we had come
to know and love at Connie's. We make a call to Doo-Doo who
is, once again, missing in action. He reports that he has
read the fishing report and it actually said that the fishing
was going to be so good that even Buck could actually catch
fish this year. Well, we'll see about that!! We stop in
Blanding and Freebie runs into some Krauts from Germany,
speaks a wee bit of Deutch and cons the Krauts out of some
free Pilsner . . . the only decent beer he would drink for the
next 5 days. One of the time honored traditions continues
with playing of the Electric Horseman at the 74 mile turnoff
for one of the most beautiful and enjoyable drives on the
planet (why is it so much shorter and rowdy going west on
Tuesday than east on Saturday?). The weather is perfect, the
beer is exquisite and the pee stops are numerous and
satisfying. Another obligatory and traditional stop at the
Hall's turnoff for the annual photo op and off we go. Several
piss stops later we arrive at the Big Water at 11am. After
watching Wallstreet peruse the new library for a couple hours
and a fascinating meeting with Captain Whitey (terminal case
of Short Man's disease), we shove off in the best houseboat
we've ever had . . . GREAT job, Luther, you're permanently in
charge of boat selection!! We all congregate on the top,
courtesy of the outstanding Flying Bridge. Wallstreet
actually captains us down the lake without once getting lost
or hitting the wall, while continuing to memorize the newest
library additions. Who wooda thunk it?? Buck also repeats
another time honored tradition with the always classic . . .
Donde es Cerveza?schitck. God he cracks up Banjo every time.
At approximately 3:30 we somehow navigate to the end of Cave
Canyon and find the perfect camp spot . . . sure was a lot
wider on Tuesday going in than it was on Saturday coming out.
Banjo performs a miracle with some aluminum foil to actually
get the XM Roadie to play, thus ensuring that we could all
hear both our Wings and AvNots implode each night. Banjo and
Flagman hang a Wings banner on a bouy in the bay for
directional signs for Jake (sure seemed like a good plan at
the time). After an outstanding meal of stuffed burgers,
frijoles and massive amounts of Buckwheats and Bucktinis
(Freebie have you ever figured out the recipe for blue cheese
stuffed olives yet?), and a listen to Ron White "You Can't Fix
Stupid" (think he was trying to tell us something) and Roy D.
Mercer(Well, By God, how'd you like an ass whoopin?), Freebie
is completely wasted and falls asleep at the dinner table . .
. must have been the free Kraut beer. We adjourn for a
restful night under the stars on the top only Deadeye's ghetto
blaster has got the broke and, thus, a tradition of Stardust
under the stars is broken. Buck and Knocker actually make a
return appearance to the top, only to be blasted off the top
by Flagman's World Class Snoring . . . God, how do the rest of
you boys stand that?
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
We finally stumble out of bed, cuss Flagman for a couple hours
and ultimately find Jake wondering aimlessly down the Lake . .
. apparently he thought Brigham himself had placed a Red Wings
banner on buoy # whatever a hundred and fifty years ago. Good
news is that his boat is fixed and the better news is that he
actually has Cinnamon Rolls. Thanks again, Wallstreet.
Weather is spectacular and the Chorizo is a big hit in the now
infamous Bask Omlette. We all, even Freebie, catch some fish
and after massive amounts of Bloody Mary's, catch a well
deserved nap. Jake takes us on a boat ride in the new Queen,
marred only by Banjo and Deadye dropping Trow and, much worse,
Luther answering serve. Now there's a site no white man
should ever have to endure. Return to the houseboat and,
after the first of his 3 a day showers, Wallstreet detects a
"Grey Water" smell . . . never a good sign on the first full
day on the houseboat. This calls for alcohol and, after a
spell, Jake starts speaking in tongues, Stink doing what he
does best, and Deadye gets the giggles and pours a drink on
Knocker this year . . . guess he didn't want to waste good
booze (courtesy of the DC AGAIN, thank you boys) on Buck this
year. First bottle of Port goes bye-bye. Gonna be a long
trip!!
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Fishing and weather still strong. Stink continues to show off
but, again, we all, yes, even Freebie, catch fish. Flagman
even catches a world record, or at least a Lake Powell Luxury
Tours record (eclipsing Buck's catch of Deadeye's face years
ago), when he snags Wallstreet with a near perfect hook set.
Freebie continues to perfect the Bloody recipe and Banjo makes
an ice run after some World Class Breakfast Burritos . . .
thanks a million, Grace. Wallstreet now has all the new
library memorized and has to resort to reading about miniature
Railroads, say what??? He also continues with hourly
showers. Banjo gets drunk (big surprise, huh) plays pyro with
the tumbleweeds, and actually agrees to a hike to the arch.
Buck can't find the garlic and pouts about how bad the
bruschetta is without it. Second bottle of port vanishes.
Friday, April 28, 2006
Happy Birthday, Buck. Decision is
made to hold a fishing tourney. A total of 98 fish are
caught. Stink's boat wins, thanks to his total of 24 . . .
showoff!! The Old Fart boat of Freebie, Wallstreet and Jake
are losers and have to do dishes on Biscuits and Gravy day
(not for the faint of heart). The new frozen biscuits are a
huge hit although Stink pouts that he didn't get to roll em
out with a beer bottle again. After naps, Buck, Deadeye,
Banjo, Flagman, and Freebie hike to the arch and deposit a new
journal in the metal box. Despite the fact that the Good Lord
ran out of oxygen up there, the view is magnificent . . . If
that ain't Heaven, you can see it from there!! For some
unknown reason we all agree that Moses was a Mother F#*ker.
Can't really remember what that was all about, but it was
hysterical at the time. Jake catches an enormous Striper,
Freebie cleans fish and almost cuts his hand off, Wallstreet
take s several more showers, stops up the shitter (where's the
stick?) and the Grey Water smell is now terminal. It's
determined the holding tanks are completely full and no more
showers or running water. Just what all us old bastards
needed after a hike to the arch. No dinner as we're all full
to the gills and can't wash dishes anyway. Wind blows like a
mutha for awhile and we all get drunk as a result (imagine
that?). We sober up for the annual tribute to Sparky and
Jasper, God we miss you boys!! At least it quit blowing long
enough for a gigantic bonfire and the third bottle of port and
liberal quantities of chocolates are consumed. Stink starts
the generator at 4am for some reason known only to him (way I
got her figured, he was trying to compete with the racket from
Flagman . . . valiant effort young man, but NO cigar). Either
that or he wanted to watch some training films. Flagman
snores at sustained 50 decibels with gusts up to 85.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Up at 6:00am. Weather is again
perfect. Always seems to be on go home day. Break camp at
7:00 and Knocker brings new meaning to the term, Rear Admiral,
with a remarkable demonstration of backing a 60 foot houseboat
out of an opening only slightly larger than Stink's . . . no,
don't want to go there. Tie up the fishing boats at 7:35 and
Jake demonstrates the perfect permanent knot. Buck makes
sandwiches with some outstanding Chipotle pulled pork (there's
a joke there somewhere but I won't go that far). Actually
doesn't cut himself, so no need for the extra roll of duct
tape after all. Garlic is found in front cooler and now Buck
is really pissed. No one will fess up but Luther disappears
during the inquisition. Arrive at dock at 10am. Knocker,
Luther, and Banjo return the houseboat and departure for
Durango at 1pm. Stop to gas up and pee in Dove Creek.
Flagman leaves a world class deposit in the convenience store
. . . guess we'll have to find another place next year.
Arrive in Durango at 4:30. Luther and Knocker depart for
Luther's Cabin. God only knows what kind of Brokeback
experience those two had. Dinner in Durango with Jamie, Jeffi,
and Jen and lights out at 9pm.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Up at 4:30am, leave for airport at
5:05. Big mistake. Last 3 of 37 to check in for 6:20
flight. Told plane is overweight and we will be bumped.
After expressing our concern, the Airport Gestapo ultimately
decide they'd seen enough of our act and Banjo and Buckwheat
are cleared to go, but Flagman is to be left behind. Guess
the Pilot had heard him snore. After he quickly demonstrates
some of his hidden talents, they realize they don't want him
in Durango any longer either and let him board but leave all
our luggage behind . . . Buck and Banjo definitely got the
shitty end of that trade. Arrive in Denver at 7:30, just in
time for one more breakfast burrito and beer. Leave Denver at
9:10 and first Bloody Mary of the day at 9:20. NW could learn
a lot from Freebie. Home some time that afternoon after many
free cocktails in first class and more cheese at the
WorldClubs. Nothing like your own bed. Luggage finally
arrives on Monday.
LPLT 2006 Epilogue Summary
and Lessons Learned
Bring an FM Antenna. XM
Roadie and Roy D. Mercer were huge hits!!
Secure the garlic, and don't let
Luther touch it
Bring Grey Water Pump
Menus just get's better every year
God must have been in a hell of a
good mood the day he invented Green Chilie
Bring Sugar for Jake
Put someone other than Deadeye in
charge of Ghetto Blaster (Wally World, here we come)
DC did another great job on the
Booze (practice does make perfect). 3 Half Gallons of Kettle
One is barely enough. GLC did a great job on the Port(20 year
only). 15 bottles of "good" tonic just about right
Flagman is Undisputed Champion
Snorer of the Free World. Guess Daughter Katie learned Sign
Language as a result of significant hearing loss
Get a 2nd Houseboat for
Wallstreet's showers and a 3rd for Flagman's snoring
Cut Morehart, Freebie and Jake off
early
Put rearview mirrors on the
Houseboat, especially if Knocker goes AWOL again
Sam's Club a great deal for the
bulk items
Bring Fuses (does anyone remember
why??)
Toolbox a great addition
Bring more tumbleweeds, Banjo
needs the practice
If you're going to arrive late for
the plane, make sure you take Flagman along
Thanks to Jake and Goddard for the
new boats, but order the replacement parts way earlier
In the event a fishing tournament
breaks out, make sure you draw Stink
Wider houseboat good, holding
tanks bad
Bring a bigger carryon for cheese
Take copious notes and try not to
lose them for months at a time
The older we get the more we realize how much we appreciate
good health, good friends, and good booze and how much we hate
to lose any of these blessings. Thank you, Bassholes, for
your friendship. I cherish the memories we've made
together!!!!
LPLT 2007, the 30 year Anniversary, will be a week earlier
this year due to Buck's daughter's wedding. Can't Wait!!!!
Sure would be nice to see "the Doo" once again!!!!
The End
Love, Buck
P. S. GO WINGS!!!!!!
