We’ve always been told that anything worth doing is worth waiting
for . . . or something like that. Well, that certainly applies to
the annual LPLT Epilogue, this year featuring highlights of the 38th
annual excursion. I’m often asked why I wait so long to do it.
And, my answer is that . . . anybody could do it while it’s fresh in
their mind, but it takes a true professional to do it almost a year
later. Well, it’s either that or I’m just a giant procrastinator
but, either way, it is a profound privilege to use the meager
talents that God has given me, to try and capture priceless and
precious memories of a group that have become so much more than
friends and are eloquent testimony to the long held adage that, “We
have to grow old but we NEVER have to grow up”!!!! Here goes,
Bassholes . . .
Saturday, April 26, 2014
I am awakened by the alarm clock (how very,
very rude) at 4:15 am. Now, for some mortals this may not be a
newsworthy event. However, for Ole Buckeroo, 2 things are now
imminently remarkable: 1) first time ever I haven’t already been
awake when the alarm went off on “get away” day, and 2) for the
first time since reaching Seniorhood I did not have to get up and
tinkle during the night. While still glowing in the bask of two new
records, I leap from bed to shower, s#*t, shave and finish packing.
I also manage to get Ginners up for the drive to the airport and by
5:15 we are ready to depart to Banjo’s house to see if he’s up yet.
As I get in the Traverse I find two text messages, both at 5:12 from
the Two Amigos that they are indeed up and raring to go. There is a
beautiful moon but not gonna be a full one this year as it’s only a
small sliver of a moon. We pick up Banjo uneventfully and arrive at
Pole’s casa at 5:37. He reports he’s “close” to ready. I know only
that his definition of that, and mine, are vastly different. I also
note that his beauty sleep was grossly ineffective. Ginners says
that it would take him all the way to the airport to explain the
phenomenon of a “Sliver Moon” (or correctly known as a Slim Crescent
or Waxing Moon . . . now, see, you learned something today!!!). We
decide to just think of it as an Optical Delusion and not even
mention it to him. We finally shove off and enjoy the coffee and a
few of the cookies Ginners brought along for us. I conclude it’s
better to listen to Pole chew in slow motion than to bore us to
death with a bullshit explanation he’s just going to make up
anyway. We arrive at the airport by 6:30 and we’re through security
by 7:10am. We all observed that the TSA girl apparently could not
speak. Personally, I find it paradoxical that someone who seemingly
is hired to work with the public is unable to speak. I write if off
that she must have been recommended by Odumbo. What’s even more
remarkable, however, is that Pole has made it all the way through
security without A) losing anything, or B) having to take a dump.
By 7:20 we make our way to the gate, ready to
start munching on our annual treat of Pole Nuts . . . only to
discover that this will be a Pole Nut Free trip this year. WTF??
Over.
He explains he simply ran out of time and that
it takes him weeks (yes, he did say “weeks”, plural) to do them.
Guess we’ll have to rough it with Ginners’ chocolate chip cookies on
today’s flights. By 8:40 we have boarded and door closed for a
scheduled 8:47 departure. Pole is a row behind me and Banjo and
says he’s getting the first round of Bloody’s this year. I remind
him he also said that last year and then suffered from short arms
and deep pockets (a trick he obviously learned from Jimmy Wayne
MoreForehead). At 8:58 it’s wheel’s up and we note this is a
virtually brand new airplane. At 9:18 the beverage service starts
and I advise George Kostanza to get his wallet ready. We order 6
Bloody’s for the first round, only to be advised that our female
Flight Attendant says she is not trusted to handle vodka and that
they other (guy) will have to bring that (I can only conclude this
is another Odumbo rule). The guy across the aisle from me also
orders two Bloody’s and we tell the Flight Attendant he’s gonna need
a caddy. We finally get served Tito’s Vodka (apparently there are
still some Conservatives in charge of something). Just as we are
reveling in the joy of our first Bloody we see the edge of Lake
Michigan out the window of the plane. Banjo is completely befuddled
and freaks out as to what that large puddle of water is. I hold up
my left hand, in the best State of Michigan Mitten impression, and
then point to the space to the left of it and ask him if he knows
what that is? slight pause for effect To which he replies . .
.OOOOHHHHH. Then he mumbles some lame ass excuse about seeing the
Detroit River and other such drivel to which I conclude, “He’s
drunk”. Pretty soon we start to see some tall buildings at water’s
edge and I ask him if he wants to venture a guess as to what this
windy-looking city might be. He ignores me. We then order 6 more
Bloody’s, only to be advised there’s only 4 vodkas left. Guess
you’re all done Banjo!!! Anyway, it’s his fault as it appears he
has spilled his on my notes. Banjo gets up to go to the Pisser.
Upon return he advises that he has videotaped this escapade. At
least we now know what the B stands for in Cecil B DeMille (gotta
admit that was a whole lot funnier when I recorded than when I just
wrote this). At 9:50 we land in Denver and Banjo films the landing
also, in an apparent attempt to make a sequel to the
soon-to-be-released classic, “Banjo Go Pee”.
Our next flight is at 11:20. Banjo finds an
email advising that our planned group of 11(only 11 as Reggae has
decided to drive in the Indianapolis 500 this year and Ponch must be
at home polishing his bowling ball) has diminished to 9 for this
year. Apparently Hootie Smith cancelled as he a Pussy, but also
offering some lame reason about the City of Durango making him do
the stuff he was supposed to do before he retired a few days ago.
And, yesterday Wallstreet also cancelled as he’s a bigger Pussy with
a story about arthritis in his joints that wakes him up several
times a night in severe pain (guess Cindy doesn’t know about Famous
Grouse). Wayne says he’s gonna refund Wallstreet’s money, to which
we officially nominate Wayne for the Dumbass Award. We soon board
our prop job, taxi out, and wheel’s up at 11:20. It is pretty damn
rough and probably good there is no beverage service. That will
save my notes from more Banjo baptizing. Touch down in God’s
Country at 12:20. Good Ole Wayneo is there to meet us and drive to
dealership. We b/s with “Life Partner” Pat (Four Leaf Clover) in
his office. He tells us it’s his Lazarus birthday (remember the guy
who was raised from the dead??) from the heart episode a year ago.
We note that he has lost some weight but he advises he never quit
drinking (a feat I didn’t know was possible and never plan to find
out). We clean up the boats and fiddle with some batteries. At 3pm
we head to a Sports Bar to watch the 3rd period of the
Wings game. Jeffi joins us and we ultimately watch the Wings lose
to the Bruins 4 – 2. We have a very good time despite some very
overpriced skanky beer and a bunch of obnoxious Boston fans in
Bruins jersey’s who never spend a dime and clear out within 10 min
of game end. We conclude they are rookie fans and the bar owner
deserves them. We have a blast anyway and at 5pm we depart for the
Mackarel Snapper Church to pick up our Spaghetti dinners. We drive
to Mudhouse Ruins in a pretty good snowstorm. Ground is completely
white by the time we get home. We enjoy cocktails and dinner with
Grande (Sunni is MIA, as apparently Deadeye made the mistake of
telling her we were coming), Rockies, AvNots, and NASCAR race.
Nite nite bassholes at 9pm.
Sunday, April 26, 2014
Up at 4:54 and stumble into the kitchen and
start the coffee. Also take this opportunity to christen the throne
before those stinky ass boys find their way to it. I feed Grande
before I get mugged and by 5:45 Wayne and Pole are up. We wake up
Banjo as there is a lot of shit to do. Actually there is nothing to
do but he can sleep when he dies. We do have a couple inches of
snow on the ground and it’s cold. We have coffee, Jeffi pastries,
watch some ESPN and I work on the grocery list, since it changes SO
dramatically from year to year. At 7:30 we head in to Durango to
meet my old pal Gary “Bear” Hunter for breakfast. Bear is currently
the AD at Ft Lewis College and I haven’t seen him for about 40 years
since he was an attorney in Kansas City and handled my divorce for
the payment of 2 cases of beer. Could quite possibly be the best
bargain in the history of jurisprudence. He looks terrific and we
pick up right where we left off. Pretty quickly Pat and his family
also come in the restaurant and Bear senses this is a set up for the
boys from Morefarts Car Lot to get their demo back that John L has
been using for recruiting. It was to have been a 60 day loan and is
now reportedly approaching 6 months. Hey, what’s a few days here or
there between friends???? It is great to see Bear and even better
that he picks up the tab for breakfast.
We swing by the Dealership and then head to
Farmington to hit Sam’s for bulk groceries. Bet the gang at Buck’s
Pancake House missed us this year!!!! We are in and out of Sam’s in
record time due Buck’s outstanding organization and back at Mudhouse
by 11:30. Wayne goes for a walk down the drainage while we watch
baseball, hockey, and golf. He worked up a huge sweat and I wore
myself out walking to the kitchen to stir the Red Chile. Pole
starts drinking cerveza to test the altitude differential and
cocktail hour commences around 4:30. Jeffi and Jen come out for
dinner. Wayne makes Enchiladas and Tamales with Red Chile and
Huevos. Much Bueno. After dinner we play a life or death game of
Cards Against Humanity. Jen cleans the floor with the rest of us.
At 6:30 the girls head home. Wayne and Pole walk the trash to the
dumpster while me and Banjo watch Duck Dynasty. At 9:15 Freebie
calls to ask how much Beans and Green Chile he should make. For the
love of God, Freeb, how many times do we have to go through this
drill???? And, just to prove the earth is still round . . . he
still doesn’t have his fishing license. All to bed by 9:52pm.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Between 4:14am and 5:06am, I receive 4
different Happy Birthday text messages which reminds me I am a very
lucky guy to have lived this long and not totally pissed off
everyone I’ve ever met. Happy Birthday 66 to me!!! Up at 5:10 to
start the coffee(damn I miss Weeuh as she always has this done by
now). By 5:30 the other 3 boys are up. At 6:40 we head to town.
It’s 34 degrees, sunny, and breezy. We go right to Bread and I have
a yummy cheese Danish for my first of the day birthday treats. At
7:15 Madison calls and sings Happy Birthday to me. What a very,
very special treat. At 7:55 we head to the dealership. Jim heads
to the Sales meeting and us 3 head to our special storage area in
the Parts Dept. I’m a little concerned that the actual parts are
beginning to infringe on our LPLT sacred inventory spot. If this
crap continues I’m gonna have to speak to the boss. After going
thru the inventory and adjusting the grocery list appropriately
(actually I don’t change anything but if I look like I am doing
something noone else knows how to do I reckon it’s good job
security). At 9 we start screwing around with Goddard and Simth’s
boats. We had a bitch of a time getting the battery charger to work
on Goddards. Smith’s boat reportedly hasn’t been in the water in 2
years and, despite the incredible mechanical talent we possess, we
cannot get this bitch started. Apparently we gave up as the next
note says we went to Wal Mart at 10:15 to get God only knows what.
At 10:35 we have to take Wayne to Pilates Class. That’s right I
said Wayne to Pilates . . . What . . .you got a problem with a 70
year old bald guy with broomstick legs and the body of a ancient
ostrich hanging out with a bunch of leotard-clad Stepford Wives in
Pilates class??? Well, get over it – this is America and our pal
Wayne has a right to be as inappropriate as he wants!!!!!! Anyway,
we try not to be seen dropping him off, then head back to Bread to
get all our treats for the trip. We then go across the street to
Woody Hayes’ Liquor Store. It is “kid in the candy store” time as
we gotta get our beer, Wayne’s beer, Community beer, Wine for Weeuh,
andPort from the GLC boys . . . Oh, by the way, did I mention that
Wayne very graciously agreed to provide the Community Booze this
year???? OK, OK, I realize that had as much credibility as Odumbo
promising that you can keep your Doctor, but Wayne is actually
popping for the booze as a result of his losing a very fair and
equitable game of chance to Buckwheat based on the Wings and AvNots
(excuse me if you’ve read this book before). While there Luther and
Knocker, just in after an uneventful drive from Denver, join us.
Remarkably we get Pole out of the Liquor Store before he starts an
International Beer Incident with Woody’s Staff. Drop Banjo off at
Browns to buy some tennis shoes (apparently he’s left the 7 pairs he
has previously bought there at home this year). We then sneak back
to the Pilates place and slither out before anyone can notice us
picking up Wayne. At 12:30 we head to Gaspacho’s for one of my all
time favorite traditions. God I wish you could get Northern New
Mexican food like this ANYWHERE within a day’s drive of home. Jake
and Mr Whipple join us there. Buck treats himself to some Happy
Birthday Carne Adovada, Blue Corn Enchiladas with huevo, some
cervezas and a couple of Sopapillos for desert. Esta Mucho Bueno!!!!!
Back to dealership at 1:30. Wayne confesses he is worried about his
Life Partner doing the mail while he is gone. Seriously???? At 3pm
to City Market. We have taken LPLT Grocery Acquisition to a new
super stratospheric level by having Mr Whipple organize the shopping
list by Aisle #. Dammit, Banjo, why couldn’t you have thought of
that???? It works so well we are in and out in a new record time of
35 minutes, just as Freebie arrives. Back at the dealership by 4pm
to start loading everything in the boats and drink a few celebratory
beers . . . after all, it’s Buck’s birthday and everyone is on
Vacation. We discover Wayne has snuk in a 12 pack of Seltzer Water
at the grocery store. He claims it refreshes the taste buds, but we
all know he’s as full of shit as a Christmas Goose. I’m pretty sure
Stink showed up somewhere along the way but must not have made any
impact in doing so as the notes never reflect his presence. But,
since I know we can’t load boats without the StinkCraft I know he
musta slithered in but don’t know if Jen let him go out with his
Gonads. Deadeye shocks absolutely everyone by giving us all a new M
& M Motors cap. They are really cool. He also presents Buck with a
Birthday card from his favorite President. I assure him this card
will have a special place right next to the Blue Crocks he treated
me with a few years ago. At 5:40 four of us head up to Ska Brewery
for dinner with Jamie and Samina. She continues to get cuter and
cuter every year and will obviously be able to work Baboosh for
anything she wants as she gets a little older!!! At 7:15 we had
back to the Mudhouse and see that Sunni Jane has gotten home. We
share some hugs with her and load her up on some new Vino and she
appears to be a very happy girl. We watch the Av Nots lose to the
Wild to take that series to game 7, and to bed by 9:30.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Well, miracle of miracles, the Sleep Meter has
finally reached ZERO!!!! I toss and turn till 4am, when I get up
and find that Weeuh has already started the coffee. She must either
love us a lot or Wayne farted and woke her up(Banjo says he thinks
Sunni calls us Triple AAA, which stands for 3 Assholes that are as
worthless as insurance). We pack all the food and trip beer in
coolers and head for town at 5:11 and 17 degrees. We get to
dealership and start hooking up the three fishing boats . . . still
don’t know if Hootie’s is gonna run or not. At 5:50 Stink and Freeb
arrive. Freebie is already worried about whether or not he made
enough beans but does claim he actually has a license. All the rest
of the boys arrive in next 5 minutes and we actually go “wheels up”
at 6:06. Wayne is chauffeuring me, Pole, and Banjo. Luther and
Stink are together and Jake has Knock, and Freeb. Hard to believe
this is the 38th trip for Wayne and Buck(although Buck
did miss in 83 and 88). We also laugh about how funny it used to be
to joke about making this trip with the boys in wheelchairs,
walkers, oxygen bottles, etc, etc. Too bad that s*$t ain’t near as
funny as it used to be!!! At 7:15 we start a new tradition by
stopping to drain the lizzards just before the Lewis turnoff. We go
behind some gravel piles and giggle like school boys. Somehow Wayne
manages to lose the car keys. Sorry, but the notes don’t say how we
ever got em back . . . just take my word that we did. After relief,
a long honored tradition is upheld by cracking the first beer of the
trip here at the Lewis turnoff. Buckwheat was so parched we weren’t
sure he was gonna make it. We’re also reminded of our old Pal
Jasper who would say at this time, “This beer, right here, is the
best beer I’ve ever had in my whole life”. Rest in Peace Amigo – we
miss you!!!! Rollin again and Banjo frustrated that he’s receiving
emails on his phone. Wayne tells him there is a sure fire way to
stop that . . . turn the thing off. We roll into Dove Creek at 7:45
for breakfast at what is now called Deb’s Diner, although it is
identical to the former Blue Mountain Café. In fact, we think the
same old blisters are still working there as 38 years ago. We make
our nurse take Pole’s order first and turn it in before even getting
anyone coffee. Timing of that worked out just right as he was
almost done when the rest of us were walking out. Some times we
actually have to drive a stake in the ground next to him to measure
whether he’s moving or not. By 8:40 we’re off to Monticello.
Plenty breezy and damn chilly at 29 degrees. Also, no Horse’s Head
this year. Roll into Maverick station at 9:15 for fuel and some
more ice for beer for the boys who weren’t organized earlier.
Rollin again and stop at 10am at the big Tin Building pisser south
of Blanding. While pausing we are again reminded about the 3
Creedos of Old Men: 1) never trust a fart, 2) never pass up a
chance to pee, and 3) never waste a stiffy. Load up and blare the
Electro-Phantasma theme from the Electric Horseman. These tunes and
an ice cold cerveza always remind us how truly fortunate we are to
be back on this sacred trek. God is Good Indeed!!!! The visibility
is exceptional as we can see Monument Valley shortly. Has warmed up
to 45 degrees. Make the 46 mile turnoff at 10:45. We pose for the
annual picture since Wayne is back with us this year. We grinch
about getting older but realize it sure beats the dogs#@t out of the
alternative. Hit the Ruins stop at 11:15 and make it to the Main
Gate at 11:45 and note the water level is WAY down from last year.
We pay the fees and on the ramp at 11:55 and 55 degrees. There is
no Inspection Station this year, only a Warden who asks that we
drain boats completely when done. We launch all the little
boats(Hootie’s boat actually does start) and send Wayne and Captain
Knock off with Stink to the HB. Drag all the gear up on the dock
and drink beer and eat peanuts while waiting. At 2pm the boys are
back with a HB that is completely different than we’ve ever had
before. This is a Party Boat complete with a large hot tub on top –
exactly what 9 old farts need. It seems the normal 60 footer we get
wasn’t returned in time and they gave us this instead, even though
it is more money. We’ll see how it works.
By 2:30 we’re headed up lake toward Mokie
Canyon with Captain Knock at the helm. We enter the Canyon at 3pm
and send little boats to scout for a parking site. We find a decent
spot at 3:45 and start tying up. We realize no one has seen Jake,
driving Hootie’s boat, for awhile and Stink and Banjo set off to
search for him. At 4:15 Jake is dropped off at camp by a good
Samaritan who found him stranded on the west side of the main
channel just north of Bullfrog. It seems Hootie’s boat ran for
awhile and then started overheating and then died. At 4:30 Jake and
Pole take off in Goddard’s boat to tow Hootie’s boat to our camp.
It’s cocktail time and someone cut’s themselves slicing limes for
Buckwheats. Wayne finds the first aid kit just as Knock says he
brought Duct Tape Band Aids this year. I tell the boys that the
Judges on the Cooking Channel get real pissy about blood in their
food. Stink surmises that they obviously aren’t from Kansas. At
6:30 Jake and Pole are back and say that Hootie’s boat is terminal
and they left it beached where it was and plan to go tomorrow and
toe it back to Ramp and put it back on trailer. Thanks a lot for
giving us a broke boat Hootie!!!!
By now we have judged the Party Boat to be a
very bad joke. The Hot tub and Air Cond unit take up the best bunk
sites on top. The House Sound System, Satellite TV and CD/DVD
player all no work so we have no tunes. There is a dishwasher in
the Island in the kitchen but it doesn’t work. The giant wine
chiller in the Island has as much value for us as a second asshole.
Sure glad we’re not paying any extra for this Oblivit(official
definition: 10 lbs of shit in a 5 lb bag). Buck soon making Green
Chile Cheeseburgers, warming up Freeb Beans, and boys making a
salad. At least we will eat well. We’re listening to tunes from
Banjo’s iPhone as none of the electronics on this turd of a boat
work. After a scrumptious dinner Cpt Knock starts doing the dishes
and we discover we have no Dish Towels since Wayne took em home to
wash them after last year’s trip and then are still there. We play
a little Cards Against Humanity(CAH) after dinner and then do our
Annual Sparky and Jasper Tequila Tribute. We do miss you boys but
it is very medicinal to us all as we tell our favorite stories about
them. By 9:30 it’s lights out on what looks to be a cold and breezy
night. Pretty sure Stardust is playing up top but can’t hear it . .
. which is fine cause I also can’t hear those assholes snoring and
farting!!!
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Luther up at 6am to start the generator and
coffee pot. The generator is also a NoGo . . .piece of s*#t
boat!!! Boys start dragging up and Stink is a very unhappy camper
as apparently his bunk on top was smack dab in the middle of the Hot
tub runoff river. Are you getting the picture that we don’t care
for this HB??? By 6:50 all up but Banjo and 5 guys are working on
the generator. By 7:05 it is discovered that a switch was left on
last night that completely ran down the battery. By 7:30 Stink boat
out to fish with Luther and Knock. They are back in less than an
hour. They report that Luther caught one fish but they made him
throw it back. Now Max’s trolling motor is not working. Are you
beginning to sense a little pattern here about our boat luck???? We
are again reminded of the age old adage . . . It is flies, floats or
f#*ks . . . RENT it, don’t buy it!!! Rest of us boys start fiddling
with our fishing stuff, in the event someone makes us go out
fishing. At 9:30 Wayne starts the Omelet and Max starts tearing his
trolling motor apart. I go up to check on Banjo (he’s asleep on top
of the hot tub) to see if he is still alive and/or wants breakfast.
Apparently the answers are yes and no. By 10:30 he’s finally up and
says someone shat in his mouth. Damn, first time I ever heard that
one. Wayne tells a story about Jim Denier. Wayne had just seen the
Proctologist and the Finger Waver said something was wrong with
Denier and wanted to know if Wayne knew what. It seems that,
historically, Denier has always sent the Doc flowers after his
annual visit but, this year no flowers. A few days later Wayne saw
Denier and asked him why he didn’t send the Proctologist flowers
this year. To which, Denier replied, “Well, I found out the
Son-of-a-Bitch was cheating on me”. During breakfast Luther starts
expressing his displeasure with Lawyers. Seems the boy has had some
bad experiences. He proclaims that ALL Lawyers, except maybe Freed,
are total assholes. We conclude that Luther is probably not gonna
run for any elected office in the American Bar Assn. Luther and
Jake do the dishes and at 12:15 Stink, Luther, and Knock head back
out to fish. Soon, Wayne, Pole, and Jake take off to salvage
Hootie’s boat. Winds are probably in the 20-25 mph range. Up from
nap at 2:15 and work on cleaning chicken breasts and start
Bruschetta. All fishermen back in by 3:45. Apparently the fishing
sucks. At 4:15 I take a dump. Didn’t need to but want to try and
be the Card Czar tonight if we play CAH again. Cocktail Hour opens
at 4:30. We have some Bruschetta at 6, made with grilled Olive
Bread. If the high falutin New York Chefs ever discover this
delicacy, look out. About 6:30 we discover the HB is floating as
the lake level is rising. We move it up a little and retie all the
ropes. I finish the Chicken Ore House and we dine at 7pm. Since it
is a beautiful evening, some of us decide to dine on top of the HB.
It seems Wayne has somehow managed to peter himself on fine wine . .
. Please allow a sidebar here. The question of the day is: If a
high quality Box Wine, Vintage Thursday, is allowed to age in the
Part’s Dept LPLT Inventory for several years, does it get better
with time???? We don’t have a definitive answer at this time.
However, it does appear that it strengthens considerably, as Ole
Wayneo, with plate in one hand and fine (box) wine in the other,
actually falls up the stairs going to the dinner table. EXCUSE
ME . . . but did you say he fell UP the stairs???? Yes, Virginia,
it is true. Ole Wayne does a face plant in mid climb, with food,
wine, plate, cup, silverware and God only knows what else, going in
every direction. Pole goes to his rescue, cleaning up the mess made
and getting him another plate of food . . . but the cheap prick is
on his own paying for the silverware that now lives at the bottom of
Lake Powell. After calming down and dining, Knock and Freeb do the
dishes while Jake and Pole try to doctor Wayne’s wounds. Banjo says
he needs to create a new drink named the Bloody Elbow as both of
Wayne’s are bleeding. Which begs the question . . . BanjoMan, are
you sure that’s blood, and not fine Box Wine, Vintage Thursday???
After all, there is fair to middlin chance, since I’m guessin Party
Boat guests from Bullfrog are still wondering what that stain is all
over the front of that boat. Bottom line we are thankful to Wayne
for providing some dinner entertainment (although it pales in
comparison to Reggae’s perfect 10) since we have no f#*ing music to
listen to. The Chicken Ore House, Lake Powell Casserole, Red Chile,
and salad were excellent . . . even if the fine wine didn’t agree
with one diner. We play 2 rounds of CAH, drink some Port and enjoy
chocolate before Nite, Nite at 9:20.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Generator fires to life at 6:13. Not much wind
last night but it was chilly. Banjo must be feeling much better as
he’s actually up at 7:14 and Wayne, after making his daily 12 second
dash from up stairs to the throne, goes back to bed. And, just for
the record, Ponch, we still haven’t found your sunglasses. But, do
hope your ball polishing is going well. And, don’t worry I am
taking care of your share of Green Chiles each day. At 7:30 Stink
takes Buck and Banjo out fishing. Just when I was getting used to
the 2 boat strategy and staying in camp to attend to my chores.
Just yesterday the boys observed the sweat runnin down the crack of
my ass as I was busier than a cat tryin to bury caca on a tin roof,
attending to all the sacrifices I make so that everyone else will
enjoy themselves. But, hey, no need to thank me . . . it’s just the
kind of guy I am. Anyway, back to fishing. We head north to Cedar
Canyon. Stink catches several including two very nice Walleyes.
Buck gives the boys a lesson on the fine art of drop shotting while
catching 5 including one nice Smallie in the live well. Banjo
caught what the little boy shot at and missed. After Buck has done
all he can to learn the boys up on technique, we head south in the
main channel till we can get a cell signal. Buck calls Ginners and
thankfully all is well at home. We hear that Jake, Freeb and Pole
went out. Jake landed one, Pole quick released a Striper, and Freeb
tied Banjo. We are all in by 11 for Grace’s Breakfast Burritos and
Green Chile. If I could make food taste like that, I’d marry
myself.
Naps commence at 12:30. At 3 Stink takes out
Wayne and Pole and Knock captains Freeb and Luther in Goddard’s
boat. Have I mentioned yet that the boats are running OK so far
today??? Knock on wood. At 4 I take a shower and find that this
boat does have one redeeming feature. The shower head is the best
we’ve ever had on a HB. Too bad the water doesn’t get very hot. At
5 Stink’s boat is in. He put one in the live well and Wayne and
Pole also tied Banjo. Cocktail hour commences. We are playing
tunes on the Boom Box during cocktails and while Stink prepares his
world famous Posole. At 7:15 Wayne turns the music off as he says
it is distracting during dinner. WTF, did he really say that???? I
mean, I know we are stimulating dining companions, but the last time
anyone said anything really important was about 20 years ago, around
the dinner table, when Pill Pusher Byler noted that Buck’s asshole
surely has lips. We have a superb dinner and conversation must have
been exquisite (notes don’t say for sure) and Jake and Freeb do
dishes again. At 8 we listen to Ron White while enjoying some fine
Port(20 year old courtesy of the GLC boys) and chocolate. It’s a
beautiful night and all to bed by 9:30(Luther much earlier). Nite
Nite Bassholes.
Friday, May 2, 2014
Generator fires to life at 6:11 as Luther slept
in this am. He is very concerned whether he made the coffee strong
enough for Wayne as he complained yesterday that it was too weak. I
comment to Wayne that our constant quest in life is but to make him
happy. We’ve obviously failed at music selection, dinner
conversation, and path making to the dinner table, but we are going
to devote our full attention to the coffee. He scoffs. At 7:15
Stink takes Wayne and Jake out. He wanted to take Banjo since he’s
not popped his fishing cherry yet on this trip but he’s not up yet.
At 7:45 Pole comes to life and Banjo shortly after. Banjo says he
has Vertigo which I assume is a fancy word meaning not drinking
enough Grouse whilst also catching zero fish. At 8:30 Knock takes
Freeb and Luther out. Rest of us stay in camp while Buck works on
grocery list and preps Buckloin and chicken for going home
sandwiches. Banjo takes a shower and Pole goes firewood hunting.
We also realize that we all miss “Cleat” doing the great line from
Christmas Vacation, when Cousin Eddie announces: “S#*tters Full”.
Seriously, Wallstreet we do miss you and do hope you are finding
some relief from your ailments. We are also confident that Cindy
would much rather you be with us!!!! Buck prepares Biscuits and
Gravy (the individual freezing of Biscuits in sandwich bags worked
perfectly as we have 24 of them versus one giant one). At 10:56
Stink boat in and all toast Wayne for breaking his fish cherry.
Stink thanks fishing gods for allowing him to locate the dumbest
f+%ing fish in the entire lake. The boys love the annual Biscuits
and Gravy breakfast and Luther and Freeb clean up dishes. Naps at
11:40 while Jake, Pole, and Banjo drag logs by boat and ropes to a
small amphitheater above our camp for a final night fire. Shortly
Knock and Luther are doing that “15 – 2, 15 – 4, 15 – 6, and a run
is 35 and I knocked up your Sister” or some similar nonsense. Think
they actually call it Cribbage. Luther kicks Knocks ass then wipes
the floor with Wayne. A beautiful day outside and at 2pm Knock
takes Buck and Wayne out fishing. Buck catches 3 Smallies including
2 nice ones that go in the basket, only to later find that the
basket released them. Think the notes need to mention that we need
a new fish basket for Goddard’s boat. Wayne catches 2 minnows and
Knock guided. By 5 we’re in for cocktails and begin taking all
fishing stuff apart. I note that watching Wayne remove line from 3
fishing reels, using my line remover chingus, is like watching a
monkey f*#k a football. Too bad we can’t enjoy some music while
taking in this entertainment. Shortly we dine on the scrumptious
Buckloin appetizer, which is still, near as any of us can remember,
a near orgasmic experience. While Buck makes Chicken Salad for
tomorrow, Knock starts to cook fish and Jake tries to makes Tartar
Sauce, only to find we don’t have all the necessary ingredients.
Need to check that for next year. Wayne decides to grill some Bread
to go with the fish. He then . . . stay with me here . . . pours
Olive Oil on the HB table, then dunks the bread in it. Hey, I can’t
make this kind of stuff up!!!!!! We wonder just how much ass has
been on this table where he has just slurried our bread. Hopefully
the fire will kill the germs. The fish is outstanding and we agree
it would have been even better with some Tartar Sauce. Pole and
Jake do the dishes as we note there still have been no volunteers to
try and retrieve Wayne’s silverware. At 8:30 we have a spectacular
bonfire while swilling fine Port (courtesy of the GLC boys) and
chocolate and yell at Banjo and Pole who have over served themselves
and gone to an early nite nite. Rest of us to bed by 9:45.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
The most dreaded day of the year begins at 6:04
with the generator on. Naturally it is the best am of the trip. We
quickly begin the process of breaking camp and, as usual, the group
functions efficiently and quietly, like a well oiled machine. By
7:45 Captain Knock has maneuvered us perfectly out of our camp spot
while Buck is busy making sandwiches. We hit the Main Channel by
8:20 and call home. All A OK. At Hall’s Dock by 8:45 and unload.
HB heads back to Bullfrog at 9:15. We quickly discover we have
managed to procure 2 of the HB bumpers. Some extremely kind man
gives me and Luther a ride up to the parking lot. I have no idea
what his name was, I just call him “Angel”. By 11:02 we are wheel’s
up back to Durango for the drive that is still scenic but not nearly
as majestic as it was 4 short days ago. We also wonder why, 30
years ago, we used to run out of beer on this trip and now we take
home more than we bring. Guess it’s just a miracle. Gas stop in
Monticello and back to Durango by 3:15 and its 76 degrees. Hugs and
kisses all around and promises of “see ya next year”, which we
seriously mean but never take for granted. However, the food,
booze, laughter, frivolity, and camaraderie has been nothing short
of spectacular. Lake Powell, we love you and we realize just how
blessed we have all been to have gotten to know you – and each other
– over these last 38 years. Until we meet again . . . Via Con Dias
Mi Amigo!!!!
2014 LPLT Epilogue
Summary, Observations, and Lessons Learned
In 2015, remember to see if the rules on Zebra Mussel Certificates
have changed, as they seem to every year.
We certainly did miss Reggae, Cleat, Ponch, and Doo this year and do
hope they will make their way back to us next year. This trip is
always spectacular but when any of our pals are missing they do
leave a hole that’s never adequately filled. ‘Mon back boys!!!!!
And thanks to Hootie for allowing us to borrow his broke boat. Sure
hope we don’t get stuck with paying for any damage we may have done
to the oblivit (see previous note). Other than that, don’t ever
forget the adage about if it f’s, f’s, or f’s RENT it, don’t buy it.
If cars didn’t work any better than boats, Morefart’s car lot would
never have a repeat customer!!! Actually, the 2 Fishing Boat
strategy works fine as most of us don’t give a rat’s ass about
fishing. Also, note we do need a new fish basket for Goddard’s
boat.
In the same regard, DON’T NEVER EVER believe that lying bastard and
his fishing report. This was one of our poorer catching years, but,
honestly, what damned difference does that really make as we had a
safe, and uneventful trip and that’s all a bunch of all farts like
us can reasonably ask for.
Without a doubt, Entertainer of the Year honors go to our pal Wayne
for his flight UP the stairs. Seriously, we’re glad you weren’t
hurt but even you have to admit, you weren’t even in the same zip
code as Ray “Louganis/Cousteau” Gates for his Double Twist, Full
Layout off the low bridge or “Cleat” for his Flying Leap of Death
from the Top Deck.
Basic menu still works great. Need to make sure we have everything
for Jake’s Tartar Sauce. Olive Bread for Brushcetta was a very good
solution. For 2015, we need 6 loaves of Bread, 2 unsliced Olive
Bread, and 4 others, all sliced. Also need 2 Baguettes, Cibata
Buns, Crumbcake, Cookies, and Asst Pastries. Just need to try and
keep bread fresh as possible (works best to put extra stuff in front
freezer and just get out as it's needed). Also put things like
Cibatta buns in zip lock bags to keep them fresh as possible. Jeffi
you are the best!!!! From grocery we also need Coffeemate, Garlic
Powder, and Honey. And, make sure we get DILL relish and not sweet
relish. Do not let Wayne sneak in any Seltzer Water as we never
came close to opening that swill.
Make sure we get our Dish Towels back from Wayne’s house.
Moki continues to be the destination of choice for it’s beauty and
convenience.
Sending Mr Whipple the grocery list in advance, to have him put
aisle numbers on the City Market items worked perfectly. Banjo,
don’t know why you didn’t come up with that idea years ago.
The GLC boys greatly appreciated Wayne providing the Community
Booze. We sure did get lucky on a hockey bet as no mortal hockey
team should be able to beat the AvNots coached by Paddy Wah, the
Wife Beater. We once again agreed that 4 bottles of port just right
and Sandeman 20 year old is best. Also, since Scotch consumption is
up we need 3 1.75 Liter of Famous Grouse in the future. And, a huge
thanks as always to Luther for the Famous Grouse, Bailey’s,
Choclates, and all the countless other extra stuff he always
brings!!.
The individual sandwich bags for keeping the biscuits from all
freezing together was brilliant!!!
Don’t let them try to give us another Party Boat again. The “extra”
features on it were about as welcome as jock itch. Don't forget to
get the pillows, linens, towels, extra coffee pot, folding table,
etc from Bullfrog and make sure we get sufficient quantities of Ice,
especially cubed cocktail ice. 8 blocks and 6 20lb bags of crushed
came out just right. Don’t never ever let Wayne screw with it
again!!
Need 60 paper plates. Makes dish washing much easier.
So, boys, there you have it. Now, wasn't it worth waiting for? It
was yet another successful trip despite less than stellar fishing
but who really gives a rat’s ass bout that anyway? Bottom line, we
are all truly blessed to have reasonably good health, wonderful
families, and despite our advancing age, be at a place in our lives
where we can truly enjoy each other's company. It is almost beyond
comprehension that a group of guys can continue doing something we
love so much for so long, do it so well, without major problems
(other than questionable footwear, overpriced eyewear, and endless
flatulence), and still want to come back for more year after year.
The almost spiritual beauty of Lake Powell is exceeded only by the
boundless joy of good friends!!! Stay Healthy mi Amigos!!!! See
you in 2015, God willing!!!!!! Thank the good Lord for our manifold
blessings and Watch that First Step!!!!!!!
Love,
Buck
